For the past two weeks, I’ve been traveling and trying to keep up with the school gig. Last weekend I attended the Florida Education Fund’s “2008 McKnight Doctoral Annual Fellows Meeting” in Tampa, FL. At the meeting, I had the pleasure of interacting with dozens of African American scholars who shared their experiences of the graduate education process. One of the specific aims of the conference was to address issues pertinent to the needs of matriculating graduate students. With several panel discussions and workshops, I can honestly say that many of my needs were definitely addressed. I also had the opportunity to sit down and speak with the president regarding my shortcomings in school thus far. He listened very attentively and was able to hook me up with someone who is where I want to be in 8-10 years; a female who had successfully been through the process in my field!

The other meeting I attended was actually a trial hearing which was held yesterday by an organization that I joined almost half a decade ago.  I had been waiting for that day to come for over a year. I traveled to South Carolina and back home to Florida within the same day because I couldn’t afford to stay at a hotel. Many of the unanswered questions that I have had for well over a year were answered and I am glad that I could put part of my mind at rest. Unfortunately though, I don’t believe the outcome of the trial will be in my favor. Because of that, I am in a very somber mood on my birthday. I keep replaying yesterday over and over in my mind and I keep wondering what else I could’ve said to get my point across. There was a very complex issue at stake and it seemed impossible to be able to successfully prove my case. My memory had failed me. This experience has made me think about the numerous individuals who may be in prison or even death row for crimes that they did not committ. In any event, I learned to be more aware and cautious of the people that I choose to associate with in my life and to be more obedient to the warnings/words of the wise instead of trying to understand their logic and reasoning. At this point, I am not sure what to make of my membership in this organization. A part of me wants to just close that chapter of my life because I cannot name anything positive that has come out of it since I joined. Yet, another part of me wants to hold out because what I experienced could just be one big isolated mess and if I continue, I will eventually have the privilege to see the “greener” side.

Decisions, decisions. I am sooo wishing I had listened to my parents when they told me to enjoy being a child and not to be in a rush to grow up. Being a grownup sucks!

Do you prefer to read the Strawberry letters or hear them via audio as they are currently presented here?

I went to the doctor the other day and he recommended that I lose ~25 lbs. Seems fair enough. My solution is to get active first, and then I’ll work to incorporate eating healthier. Right now, I am the MOST inactive person imaginable. My chest and legs hurt just from a brisk <10 minute walk. I used to have a gym membership, but I barely ever went. It was all so intimidating! These super thin women would come in looking all fab and just get to work doing their thing, but I didn’t know what the heck to do! For the most part I would spend a few hours on the treadmill and call it a day/week/month, lol. Anywho, I’ve located some group fitness classes at school that I could squeeze into my schedule. I’ve had them on my calendar for a few weeks now and only managed to go to 1 class, but I’m sure I’ll get into the routine as soon as I get used to juggling my schoolwork.

This is me last month….

Lately, since I’ve been back in school I’ve been more conscious of my skin again and I’d like to give treating it another shot. There’s this black skin care institute in D.C. that I heard about a while ago that I would love to go to, but I cannot find any information about it online for the life of me. In the meanwhile, I made an appointment to see a dermatologist 9/26. Besides the acne itself, I have a lot of hyperpigmentation to deal with (I think that’s actually a bigger problem than the acne itself). I’m very optimistic about my visit next week and I’ll definitely keep you updated!

Glam: … it looked nice

Me: No it doesn’t. What’s nice about fried and laid to the side??? lol

Glam: I like relaxed hair but like I said abt the cell phone companies earlier & I will repeat abt hair….DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS, u ain’t got to like it or agree.

Me: I personally don’t give a **** because who’s gonna be able to get the 99.5% of black women who alter their hair to change anything?

8/01 - Love or What? (No Audio)

Good morning everyone. I am a 23 year old single parent and graduate student. When my daughter’s father and I met we appearead to really be into eachother and eventually thought we were in love; it turned out we were just in lust. He was not really present during my pregnancy and was not present during my daughters birth and hardly ever seen her after she was born. He was quite disrespectful for some time and got someone else pregnant just before I gave birth. I never found out about this older woman (with several children of her own) until his mother decided to tell me about it three months after I had my daughter. The woman knew all about me and was very childish and disrespectful to me. My daughter’s father and I were not on speaking terms after I found out about the other woman and he was incarcerated shortly before my daughter’s first birthday. So much went on during the time leading up to this and I believe that I was so depressed that my hair began to fall out. Within the last year or so I have allowed him to call my house (and he has called very often) but he has recently started started stating how much he “loves” me and wants to be with me. He admits that he has done some things wrong and has apoligized for it but I have not completely gotten over it so he tries to blame me for our arguments over the phone. I work extremely hard, obtaining a Master’s and working a 40+ job to pay for my daughter’s private school education and I still feel some resentment towards him for his behavior. I am working on forgiveness (for my own peace of mind, not his) but I haven’t completely begun to forgive because I believe that I am still in love with him. If he gets out of jail any time soon I believe that i may end up going back to him. Would I be wrong? Thank you so much for reading my letter, and for answering it if you can. P.S. He does not even have a high school diploma but he claims to have all these ideas going for him once he gets out.

7/31 - I Need an Out (No Audio)

Hi everyone, I’m 28yrs old mother of a 5 yr old boy. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years. My son only knows my current “boyfriend” as daddy. He’s a good provider for the both of us however, he’s emotionally and mentally abusive to me. He tears me down with his words and never tries to build me up with love. I feel he’s an alcoholic of course he doesn’t. He tells me I need to find that guy that’s going to be all I need cause he ain’t the one. When we first got together I was 160 lbs and over the years I gained about 20lbs. That put me at an uncomfortable 185lbs and a size 11/12.Then I was too BIG. He cheated on me so much that he got comfortable enough to call one of he chicks during one of our intimate moments. Of course he was drunk. So I lost weight. I’m at 165lbs and a size 7-8. I cook 4-5 days out the week. He finds a problem with that. The way I dress… that’s a problem. I get complements from men and women on how I dress all the time. Then my hair… I have somewhat long hair. When I wear it wrapped, he complains its not done. From time to time I’ll wear a weave and my beautician hooks me up, but then that’s a problem. No matter what, I’m a problem. We don’t go out together but he’ll give me money to go out alone. I’ve never cheated on him even though I have the time, opportunity, and reason. Men tell me I’m beautiful all the time. I don’t feel it because he says “you’re a good girl, they only want to sleep with you.” Then he’ll tell me to go be with them. I’m like if you don’t want me, let me go so I’ll be able to give the next man a fair chance. Oh yeah he don’t even clean up when he’s home all day. I love him, but I’m NOT in love with him anymore. I cry all the time. All he says is “Suck it up”. He calls me bad names then when he’s sober he won’t apologize all he’ll say is you shouldn’t have made me mad. What did I do? Nothing but be here for him 100%. There really is too much for me to put in this letter. I want to leave him but financially I can’t right now. Mr. Steve (Code Cracker), please help. Your morning show is my therapy. I can’t afford a real therapist which I really do need. I’m crying as I pick and choose what to expose on this letter. I talk to GOD so much people think I’m crazy talking to myself. I can’t talk to my family or friends because I’ve cried so much to them. PLEASE HELP ME. Loving The Wrong Man

7/30 - Did I do the Right Thing By Stepping Away? (No Audio)

Good Morning Ms Shirley, I was in a relationship with this young man(43) for about 2mths ok, We met here in St. Petersburg, Fl back in Nov. of 07, but he originally lives in LA & I live here in Fl so basically it is a long distance relationship. Now from the beginning we stayed in contact with each other, we were able to reach each other either by cell or home phone pretty much at any given time. He then came back to Fl to spend a week with me in Dec. Now for the whole month of Jan it has become very difficult to reach him now by either phone when before I was able to. So I’m basically playing phone tags with him. So I pretty much asked him what was going on, because I had began to feel a change/difference in his behavior. Now it has now gotten to the point where when we do talk, we are not on the phone for no more than 5 or 10 mins before him up & say OH! wait a min, or hold on a min & never clicks back over, I would go on waiting until I hear the dial tone just to see it he would click back over, or he would say let me call u back & never does. This has been going on now for a while. It has now gotten to the point to where I can’t never seem to get a hold of him, ok but now this is what he says: He states that when he put his cell phone on the charger, it automatically shuts off & if someone calls it automatically goes to his voice mail. But for some odd reason I have a hard time getting him on the phone, but everyone else can get through with no problem. So I have gotten to point to where I am fed up with this. I feel in my heart that there may be someone else in the picture & he’s not saying, I say this because his behavior has changed. I’ve told him how that bothers me & it’s just like I haven’t said a word. I often express to him how I feel. We can’t & don’t really hold a conversation any more like we used to. So I made up in my mind to call him & left him a message letting him know that I was sick & tired of playing the phone game with him, & that I was going to stop calling him. I also told him that if he is seeing or talking to someone else then that’s just the way it is, I was not going to worry or stress myself out about what he’s doing up there. If he can’t talk to me about the change in his behavior & he rather continue on like this then he can do it without me. I also told him several times before that if I’m not the woman that he wants to be with & be committed to then he needs to let me know now before I get into any deeper than I already am. But I decided to go ahead & let it go because I don’t want to be with no one that don’t want to be with me. Y love someone who doesn’t really love u back. There is no conversation between us anymore, so that lets me know something. I believe in my heart that I did the right thing by walking away. But I would like to have another opinion besides my own. He won’t talk to me about too much of nothing that I ask, he is too secretive for me. Please give u guys feedback. DID I DO THE RIGHT THING BY pulling myself AWAY from this situation? Ms Bradenton, Fl.

7/29 - Worrying (No Audio)

Dear Shirley and Steve: I met this guy in October 2007. He seems to be very nice, is respectful, cute, and sexy, just the “Mr. Right.” Now…he is on disability because he sustained a neck/spine injury and is unable to work full-time (he walks with a cane because the left side of his body is kind of weak) but this is okay with me because I don’t judge him, I like him just as he is. With the help of his sons, he does a little automobile detailing at his own schedule, and he works with his church, videotaping functions, special church affairs, and also events/programs in our area that is broadcast on our town’s cable channel (we live in a rural area) He is married but separated and has been for awhile and says that he is working on a divorce. When I met him, he was living with his parents, but he has just recently moved and I haven’t been to his home yet. My concern is: He only comes and visits me on Sundays, and I can hardly ever reach him on his cellular phone (he says he does not have a home phone, because he is trying to cut expenses). He does calls me on some Saturday evenings if he wants to come over on Sunday. He says that he doesn’t want to come and see me during the week, because he respects the fact that I work and he does not want to interfere with my beauty rest. Because we live in a rural area, the cellphone connection does not work sometimes. He also claims that he wants to save his minutes during the day, and although he gets free minutes at 7:00 pm, at by that time he is home and phone is cut-off (likely no service anyway). He says that he doesn’t want to call me at work, out of respect. I asked him why does he only come and see me on Sundays and not Saturdays? He claims that he details cars on Saturdays. I sense that there is something wrong going on here - I do not feel that he is detailing cars EVERY Saturday, especially when he says that he works on his own schedule, and what if the weather is bad, he sure ain’t detailing then. Also, when I try to call him, his voice mail always comes on (he says that he listens to my messages). I don’t like it that I can’t ever talk to him on the telephone and he only visits on Sundays. Do you think that something shady is going on here? I’ve asked him is he seeing another woman, and he says “no.”

7/28 - Momma’s Boy (No Audio)

Hello morning crew, first of all let me start by saying I’ve been with this guy for nine years and not married. He’s really a momma’s boy. He’s 37 years old. Every time we fuss or get into an argument he calls his momma. She can’t hold water on her tongue. Then before you know it our business is all in the streets. He tells his momma everything that’s going on in our relationship. I’m wondering if he tells her what goes on in our bedroom. Do you all think he is sleeping with his momma? Because ain’t no mother and son should be that close. One time he cheated and I found out of course he called his momma. Then she has the nerve to call me and defend him. I think whatever goes on between a man and a woman should stay between that man and that woman. I’ve asked him several times to keep his momma out of our business. He didn’t tell her so I called her myself and I went off on her. His momma thinks I should take anything and everything he issues. Just because she stayed with his daddy for thirty years putting up with the same B.S., she expects me to do the same. I need help what should I do? DO you think I was wrong for going off on his momma? Signed HELP DOWN IN THE DIRTY SOUTH! LOUISIANA.

Since my expertise in computer programming/database design/web design was all pretty much self taught, I have started some online tutorials to get some official training. I am very proud of myself that I was able to learn many complicated processes on my own! After I finish these series of tutorials, I will seek certification from an educational institution…but I’m not quite there yet. There are other pressing items that I am dealing with right now, namely the move that I’m preparing to make. I should be back in Tampa, FL on 08/01, at which point I have 1 week to pack all of my things. I also have a meeting with a potential client next week as well, so I am preparing documentation for that meeting. All in all, all is well!

The next day, I discovered the video below on the net, “How-to-Do a Wet Set Without Using Roller”. I’m so glad that I found it because it taught me what I was doing wrong (thanks Natural Southern Girl!). I used Motions Light Styling Foam and spritzed very lightly with Motions Light Hold Working Spritz once all the knots were in…. Finally, I can get the curls that I won’t without breaking the bank buying wrap-a-loc or Soft Spikes!

Also check out Creyole’s Bantu Knots.

7/25 - 41 Year Old Grandmother to Be (No Audio)

Good morning Strawberry letter 23, I am a 41 year old single parent of one young adult daughter (18) and a teenage son (16). My kids are the product of 12 year marriage. Last week my daughter told me she was 7 weeks pregnant... mind you she is still in high school and she does not graduate until June 2008. Since the kids have been little I have talked about the importance of an education (especially when I work for the school system) and some stability before starting a family. It is almost like someone has brain-washed my child into the notion that she is ready to take on the responsibility of a mother. I am just devastated and shocked that she wants to keep this baby. She cries and gets depressed when I bring up the options of adoption or terminating this pregnancy. I am overwhelmed with sadness because all the plans she had for college and enjoying her young life (without children) will be challenged. Also I must admit that I am embarrassed to tell my family and friends. I know she's 18. But with no job, no education and living at home still...this is not a pretty picture. Now don't think for one minute that I won't still provide and support her through this it's just a very hard pill to swallow right now. How do I accept this? How do I help her stay on track with her plans with baby in toe? Thank you, Grandma to be

7/24 - Needing Advice

7/23 - Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

7/22 - What Next?

7/21 - Truly Lost Without Her (special guest Anthony Hamilton)